Dear Shepard, Goodbye
by Inkess
Summary: Kaidan tries to deal with the grief he feels after Shepard's death by writing her a letter. Post Control. For the September contest at Aria's Afterlife.


_Dear Shepard,_

Kaidan paused and closed his eyes, his fingers hovering over the glowing keyboard. Too many words tumbled in his head, struggling to find their place on the screen before him. So many things he left unsaid. So many missed opportunities. So many…

Right. He'd better get to it.

_We miss you. I miss you._

Not good enough. Not personal enough. Too clichéd and too obvious. He erased the line.

_I know we didn't have enough time. _There, that was better. _And what little we had, I made sure it was even shorter. I know. I know. It's all on me. You—_ Kaidan paused yet again, taking a deep breath. _–died. Then you came back, and turned my world upside-down._

Not this again. Would he ever stop accusing her when he was the only one to blame?

_Then you came back, and I missed the opportunity of my lifetime. I screwed up, Shepard. Jane. May I call you Jane?_

Even though they had fixed things between them after the Reaper War started for real, he never dared to call her by her given name. It spoke volumes about their relationship. The woman he loved radiated fear and obedience as much as she inspired hope and trust in those who followed her.

Or maybe they'd never been as close as he thought they had been.

With his lower lip trembling, Kaidan pushed the chair away from the console. "Damn you, Karin Chakwas," he whispered as tears threatened to fill his eyes yet again. He still cried at least once a day.

He had been through it before. The four stages of grief ran through and over him ever since the _Normandy_, stranded up on that hellish planet, established contact with the rest of the galaxy and found out the tragic news. And the weird, impossible news, too. And now, even when they returned to Earth in one piece, the fifth and final stage refused to come.

Acceptance. He couldn't accept that Shepard disappeared from their lives forever. The Reapers didn't die or leave. They flew around Vancouver and the rest of the planet with a purpose, actually _helping_ in clearing the damage and rebuilding. Shepard had to be the one behind it.

Some things defied explanation. He went to visit his mother today, and a husk followed him on the way home. So far, neither the Reapers nor their minions had tried to make contact with anyone, but this one waved its arms and let out gurgling sounds that reminded him of choked words. That was an attempt at communication if he ever saw one. In one fleeting moment, he even allowed himself to think it could be—

No. He'd better stop thinking such thoughts, just like the good doctor said, and bury her in his heart. Move on. Write a goodbye letter to say things left unsaid, even if it never reached its recipient.

Kaidan rubbed his eyes, and his fingers came away wet. The letter therapy Chakwas had suggested didn't work well so far. Maybe it did what it supposed to, but it only brought him pain and regret.

Blinking the last tears away, Kaidan forced himself to continue. He had to get it out of his system, or risk his mind snapping under the pain.

He erased her given name and continued.

_There is nothing I can say now to fix the mess I created. Still, I want to apologize. No matter how much turmoil I had in my head when I saw you on Horizon, I shouldn't have acted like a total—_

_Jerk,_ he wanted to write, but his fingers refused to move. Every night he chanted the word to himself instead of a lullaby. Every morning he woke up with a little voice whispering it in his ear. Every day the word kept him company at lunch. Every evening it danced before his eyes when he tried to watch a vid.

What he said and did on that colony planet shadowed their relationship even after they patched things up. The fact that they never talked about it proved it enough. Whether it was the male pride or something else, Kaidan didn't know, but he could never admit that he was wrong.

He couldn't admit it now.

A mighty yawn that broke free from the depths of his lungs surprised him. He had no idea that writing a letter could be this tiring, or take this long. A glance at clock in the corner of the screen convinced him to call it a night.

The console shot off blue sparks as he turned it off. He didn't worry. All machines and devices did it from time to time ever since the Crucible fired.

Kaidan crawled into his bed and hugged the pillow. Sleep came to him faster than usual that night.

* * *

The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes in the morning was his console. A dancing figure of Shepard twirled around the screen, doing the infamous Shepard Shuffle.

Kaidan tossed the blanket aside and jumped out of bed. He had downloaded that screensaver a month ago, but never had the courage to run it. What the hell happened to the console to display it now? And didn't he turn it off before he went to sleep last night?

Puzzling. Kaidan rubbed his temples, feeling one of his splitting migraines incoming. What did he do? Sleepwalked in the middle of the night and played with the computer? Was the grief finally getting to him and making him lose his marbles?

In that case, he should finish that letter, and put it all behind him. And if it didn't work, seek professional help. Chakwas had good intentions, but wasn't a real shrink.

Nothing wrong with needing help, right?

Kaidan sat down at the desk and dismissed the screensaver. The writing application was already up and running. Odd, but it wouldn't stop him from continuing.

"Let's see… Where was I…" he sighed as he scrolled to the bottom of the letter.

… _I shouldn't have acted like a total…_

… _jerk. _He stared at the word, written in a bubbly font resembling a child's writing and in purple color, sticking out in the sea of sleek, black letters on the screen. It wasn't there yesterday, he could swear on it.

Very few people knew it, but Shepard liked to write her most intimate messages in that font and color, revealing her hidden, girly side. Kaidan was one of those people.

As he stared at the screen in shock, the typing cursor moved on its own, switching to a new paragraph.

_Hello? Hello? Am I getting through?_

The letters appeared in the same purple font, although the application's font selector was set to his favorite and black.

_Kaidan? I know you're there! _

The console crackled with blue arcs of energy, just like all technology did when the wave from the Crucible swept across the galaxy.

_It's me, Shepard! Type something! Please!_

Kaidan pushed the chair away from the desk with such force that he tumbled to the floor. The name of his dead lover burned in his mind as he lay on the floor motionless. No. Not now. Not when he wanted to put the past behind him and forget her.

The blue arcs buzzed as they bloomed from the console and spread across the room. Every single electronic device in his apartment joined the chorus of crackling static, including his omni-tool. It sprang to life around his arm, displaying the comm interface. Surprised, Kaidan sat up and brought it to his face. Shepard's face formed on the screen among the swirls of ghostly grey and blue.

Shepard's face. He saw Shepard's face again. It didn't matter that he could see through it, as if he looked at a holo display of a ghost, he saw Shepard smiling at him.

"Sorry if the husk yesterday freaked you out," Shepard said. Her voice sounded like the one he remembered, but at the same time it echoed with metallic undertones. "I didn't know they can't speak."

The strange ring to her voice brought him back to reality. This… thing looked like an apparition and spoke like a machine. It couldn't be the real Shepard.

"Also, sorry for calling you a jerk. It was a joke," she continued. "It was obvious where you were going with that sentence." She tried to run fingers through her hair, but they passed right through it. Could she be a real ghost? "I've been trying to reach you for months. Kaidan, talk to me. _Please._"

"Shepard…" Kaidan managed to breathe out despite his rational mind telling him to quit talking to ghostly apparitions. It moved like her, talked like her, looked like her, even sounded like her, despite the dual tone to her voice. Kaidan knew Commander Shepard and this thing behaved like her.

"Jane," she whispered. "Of course you can call me Jane. You always could. I just… I just never _said_ you could. I'm sorry."

"Jane." He tried the word on his tongue. It felt like a prayer, a promise of salvation. At this point he didn't care if he talked to a ghost or a figment of his imagination. Just saying her given name filled the gaping hole in his soul and made his heart sing.

"I never liked it." She snorted out a chuckle. Shepard's chuckle when she felt amused. "Reminded me too much of my life on Mindoir before the attack. But when you say it… it's different."

Kaidan kept quiet and stared at the image glowing over his forearm with awe. Shepard was here. He let it sink in and enjoyed the feeling. She was with him again.

"So," the apparition took a deep breath, "I guess this is the part where I explain what happened to me and the rest of the galaxy?"

He shook his head. "No need. You made the Reapers help us and work with us instead of destroying them, and then found a way back from the dead. Again. As a ghost or something. You're Shepard. Commander Jane Shepard. That's what you do."

She laughed then, and the laughter was the same one he remembered from those rare moments when she'd lay wrapped in his arms, without a care in the world. "Close, but not quite," she replied. "I took place of the AI that controlled the Reapers. My body had to die, but my mind is still alive. I am a machine, but I'm also myself. It's me, Kai." Shepard's hollow body trembled and tiny translucent blobs appeared in her eyes. Tears? "I missed you so much."

"I know it's you." Kaidan trembled at the shortened form of his name. No one else but Jane called him that. "I'm not the same man who doubted you on Horizon or Mars."

Shepard frowned. The swirls of light around her faded a little.

"I saw you," she spoke after a while. "Through the eyes of those converted by the Reapers. I saw how you grieved. I saw how you suffered. I had to reach you before you hurt yourself. You have to stop beating yourself over Horizon."

"But I hurt you with my doubts. I know I did. The look in your eyes has haunted me for weeks afterwards."

"You're not the only one. I doubted myself, Kai." She smiled again, and the radiance of her smile carried over to the light around her. "No one trusted me, and I trusted no one. It took me forever to accept that I'm me, and not a Cerberus cyborg. When you rejected me… it hurt, yeah. But I don't blame you. I did turn your world upside-down, after all."

"You don't?"

"I loved you. That's why it hurt so much." The ghostly tears prickled her eyes again. "And because I loved you, I forgave you. I wouldn't have started dating you again if I didn't."

Kaidan reached for the holographic screen, his fingers stopping short of going through the image. Jane mimicked the gesture. They remained like that for a while, in a touch that wasn't a touch, but it fixed broken bridges and healed broken hearts nevertheless.

The doorbell rang. Kaidan flinched and stared at the door, withdrawing his hand.

_"Kaidan, I know you're in there!"_

Oh, no. The last thing he needed was—

"Is that Dalina?" Shepard asked. An innocent smile played on her lips.

"H-How—" Kaidan stuttered, his eyes going wide. "Oh. Yeah, that's her. Ugh… If she's here to preach on asari superiority over 'the shithole called Earth' I'm going to—"

"Kai, she's lost her squad. She's stuck light years away from home. She's coping by making shitty jokes."

"I-I never thought about it that way." He tried not to think about how creepy it was for Jane to know this. Reaper minions crawled around everywhere, and Jane had been looking at him every time … better not to think about it, indeed. "I thought she was just your typical annoying asari commando."

_"What are you doing, staring at nothing and contemplating suicide? I'm going to break down the door with a warp if you don't let me in."_

She sounded dead serious.

"I'm on an important call!" Kaidan yelled, and it wasn't even a lie. Still, he'd prefer not having to explain what just happened in his apartment. "Wait a sec." He lowered his voice and talked to Jane again. "I don't know why she keeps bugging me like this. Ever since we got drunk together in that bar she keeps following me around."

Shepard did her snort-chuckle again. "I don't remember you being this oblivious."

"What—oh. Oh! You can't possibly mean…"

"She's handsome, deadly and cares for you." Jane smirked. "Just like me. And she's not even an Ardat-Yakshi. You're safe."

"You're not telling me to…"

"I am. I'm telling you exactly that."

"But I can't. I still love you."

"You don't have to date her now. But when you're ready… I want you to meet other women. Asari, human, salarian, hell, even hanar. I don't care. I just want you to be happy."

Kaidan felt like someone slipped a rope around his neck and tightened it. "Jane… you… you are…"

"I love you, too, don't think otherwise." The corners of her lips turned downwards. "But it would never be the same. I wanted to see you again, but I don't want to haunt you. I may not be a real ghost, but I feel pretty damn close to it."

Kaidan nodded. The imaginary rope still gripped his throat.

"Every time you see a Reaper or their minions, remember that I'm watching. You'll never be alone again. I may even pop up on your omni-tool from time to time, but don't worry; you'll have your freedom."

_"Are you done yet?!"_ Dalina banged on the door. Maybe even kicked it, judging by the way it shook.

"Now go answer the door. Live." The image started to fade. "Goodbye."

The omni-tool shut down, and the blue arcs disappeared from his console and other devices.

"Goodbye," Kaidan said to the empty, quiet room and opened the door into life.


End file.
